It's not always rainbows and butterflies

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 07:41:01 GMT

scratch taht new lj name is blinkist182

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 16:21:31 GMT

So we got a car and its a 94 cavalier, white like me. IM havin a party for my bday and ur invited. AT my house . it will be rockin

I have to have some more tests done on my kidney area. Im scurred. I have to get a catheter YUCK

and I take my GED on wednesday and thursday wish me luck
Then hopefully im gonna get a job with Jacky and Ang at Troy Beaumont. And work at subway still so I can save up some dough.

I need a computer of my own so if u wanna donate to that fund da da do it.

Thats about it.

Im sick of always being tired U would think after 4 years It would be over but nooooooooooooooooooooo

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 22:40:18 GMT

we are getting a car tremo.

ok?

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 07:06:07 GMT

p.s. I found an amazing website called freepianolesson.com
but our printer wont work so if anyone gets real bored print me up that first lesson and um somehow get it to me

mail it if u hafta i aint jokin
but it would be like 3 stamps cuz its 11 pages but if u love me u will do it

1944 John B.
Warren, MI
48091

I luzzzzzzzzzz u

all I got so far is heart and soul

I have sou.l lmao

I cant sleep

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 06:00:15 GMT

I stole this one from Katie and althought I didnt want it to be, its all true, very.

Which Empire Records character would YOU be? Hmmm?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.

You are flirty, vivacious Gina! You love your friends to death, and try very hard not to dictate their life to them, even when you see them screwing up. You encourage people to relax, have fun, and enjoy life. Sure you tend to um.... sleep around a bit, but underneath all the bravado and seductress routine is a shy girl scared she will end up the equivalent of Bob-Barker watching trailer trash. Your friends mostly seem to have futures and you fear yours isn't good. But your friends will be there for you just like you're there for them. Now sing it baby and shake it!

and some lyrics to end the night
BELIEVE IN ME, CUZ I DON'T BELIEVE IN ANYTHING
And I want to be someone to believe, to believe
Mr. Jones and me stumbling through the barrio
Yeah we stare at the beautiful women
"She's perfect for you, man, there's got to be somebody for me."
I want to be Bob Dylan
Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more funky
When everybody loves you, son, that's just about as funky as you can be
Mr. Jones and me staring at the video
When I look at the televison I want to see me staring right back at me
We all want to be big stars, but we don't know why and we don't know how
But when everybody loves me
I'm going to be just about as happy as I can be
Mr. Jones and me: we're gonna be big stars

It's been a while since I've tickled these ... not so ivory ivories

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 04:52:36 GMT

Which character from Alice in Wonderland Are You?
Dormouse

Dormouse is narcoleptic. *sleeps*

That is just to share with Aimee. I thought his answers were obvious and I wouldn't get him but I guess it was meant to be lol.

I am learning to play the keyboard.

My hospital stay, just the room, was $24,000 can u believe that shit?

Im kinda tired

I want a computer of my own

Chelsea if u see this call me and I miss u I love u

I made a new friend I think so IM up to like 3 now. cool.

Pass me that fat ass blunt. Yea.

and u didnt think u could get away without my rambling complaints didja?

Why cant I have normal relationships with anyone?
Is it my constant insomnia? Is it anxiety ?? Or is it another of these so called disorders that I have suddenly come down with. What is depression really? Is something actually wrong in my brain or do I just need to kick myself in the ass? Maybe it was a term invented for those of us who cant kick our own asses to feel better and have a medical excuse behind our failure at life. An excuse created by a society so medically advanced that a kid can't be a kid without someone saying they have ADD and shoving a pill down their throat.
Maybe something really is wrong but if not and my conspiracies about medicine are true... then I would like to know how to fix it without pills

I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, Im out.

oh but first help me think of an excuse of why I dont have to go on my family trip to Frankenmuth cuz Im not ready for a bathing suit (and no,its not cuz I think im fat)

I love you... you love me

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 01:46:13 GMT

Aimee made me some really good salad. There was a stain that was in the shape of Casper. It was funny.

Nothing to really say. Im bleeding.

bye

Your New Years Resolution Should Be: Wake up before noon

You've been accused of sleeping your life away
And it's a little bit true - you are really into your pillow
In fact, it may be years since you've seen a sunrise at the *start* of your day
Sleep a little less. Some sunshine would do you good.

What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be?

Since everyone else is doing it...

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 05:43:11 GMT

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?: I have no idea cant think of anything
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?: I usually dont make them but I will this year
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?: well, Aimee is close to me and her sister that Inever met did but um yea

4. Did anyone close to you die?:thankfully, no
5. What countries did you visit?: none

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?:a car..... all year

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?: my 18th birthday because it gave me more responsibility... my year anniversary with Butthead cuz thats a hella long time and the day I got kicked outta Aimee's for the second time cuz it was the 2nd saddest moment in my life next to my gramma dying
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?: just trying my hardest to get things done
9. What was your biggest failure?: leaving school

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?: sure did. the kidney thing
11. What was the best thing you bought?: cd player?

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?: um ill just put someone.. Chelsea

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?: my mom's

14. Where did most of your money go?: food
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:my birthday but it wasnt great

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?: something depressing like Broken
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) Happier or Sadder?: not sure

b) Thinner or Fatter?: probably the same

c) Richer or Poorer?: much poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?: get in touch with old friends

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?: drinking

20. How will you be spending Christmas?: with family

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?: no

23. How many one-night stands?: 0

24. What was your favorite tv program?: Viva La Bam, Real World

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: Jon

26. What was the best book you read?: the one im reading now, Body of Evidence
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: 2pac

28. What did you want and get?: happiness

29. What did you want and not get?: a car

30. What was your favorite film of this year?: I, Robot

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: I was 18 and I think I went to a club with Megan and that crew
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:a car
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?: comfy

34. What kept you sane?: Aimee, Chelsea,Megan friends and family

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: same as always Angelina and Christina and Jude Law

36. What political issue stirred you the most?: dont get me started

37. Who did you miss?: god everyone... Katya, Carolyn, Jacky, Ang, Katie, Chels, Sarah

38. Who was the best new person you met?: Sarah

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Find that fine line between being negative and leaving urself vulnerable and then fuckin run across that line as fast as u can so u dont go back down to either side

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 06:49:28 GMT

"Sum up your opinion or impression of me in one word, leave it as a comment in this posting, and then post this sentence in your own journal."

DON VITO IS MY REASON FOR LIVING LOL... 1234425346563 JDLSAFJKLSDFJSK ABACUS!

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 06:37:38 GMT

ohhhhhhhhhh I feel like Ive been gone forever lol. Well as pretty much everyone knows I got outta the hospital a week ago. I was in for 8 days because I have an abscess on my kidney (dont ask, idk how it got there, why its there, or anything else about it lol) and I still have an iv in my arm that goes up to my shoulder (on the inside of me) and I put my own medicine in through the iv every morning for another 1 to SEVEN weeks. Sooooo basically we gotta do some tests and figure out the bigger picture of what is wrong with me. Ummmm i cant drink anymore which some would say is a blessing in disguise I think the only good thing that has come out of this. I dont need to be drinking obviously anyways everyone knows that. But it is gonna suck when im 21 and i gotta have my shirley temple :( my arms are always sore, i get blood drawn and a catscan once a week besides that im good
I got a job.... back to Subway lol only like 2 days a week for now I gotta get a car and its not lookin so good. Ill be standin at the 8 mile bus stop in the snow. Not a pretty picture.
I miss my sister. I am so sad without my mushnik. Im so lonely at my house when my moms at work. I wish it could be like old times. And maybe even one day have Sarah over. God I miss her too I better shut up before I cry

christmas is gonna suck. I hate presents they make me nervous. I mean I love em but I hate em ya know. Cept Alyssa got me some realllllly cute nose rings today when we went to the mall with Megan. And we got best bud necklaces with cherries on em they're so cute

and this whole Bobby issue.. needs to go away. Its like we're addicted to each other like a bad habit and Im scared we will never get rid of each other but we love it its like a game i dont even care anymore... if anyone has the eminem bonus cd from encore listen to number two or the song crazy in love on the regular cd it explains everything but idk im tryin to treat him how he treats me and guess what...he doesnt like it. He doesnt like it when I dont tell him where I was or who I was on the phone with stay outta my biz and ill stay outta urs

I gotta 1. get a car 2. find a new therapist 3. enroll in night school or if its too late... just take my GED 4. work and save money 5. stop everything negative in my life

And Aimee what u talkin bout course i like ya i kinda have to... ur my only friend lol
beyotch call me ill be home thursday after work lol work i suck

thanks. peace

I leave u with this thingy I stole from Famous Amous (Im so sorry but I cant help it lol)

The Favorites, Have-You-Evers.. and Last Times! Oh, the variety!

Created by -ambiguous and taken 33782 times on bzoink!

What is your favorite..
gum: Extra... the bright green kind
restaurant: Red Lobster
drink: a huge, cold glass of whole milk mmmmmmmmm
season: summer
type of weather: 75-80 degree weather
emotion: is sleep an emotion? lol jk ummmmm happiness, real, complete and total happiness
thing to do on a half day:go out to eat with peeps then go home and ...... u got it SLEEP
late-night activity: watchin a movie
sport: extreme sleeping
city: Boca Raton lmao
store: Target
When was the last time you..
cried: few days ago?
played a sport: jesssssus never?
laughed: a minute ago
hugged someone: earlier today
kissed someone: earlier today
felt depressed: no comment
felt elated: idk what the means im gonna go look on dictionary.com hang on......
not workin o well

felt overworked: today ... it was the most work/moving ive done since ive been out
faked sick: never have to fake im always sick
lied: two days ago

What was the last..
word you said: okay
thing you ate: popcorn
song you listened to: Hailie's song
thing you drank: ginger ale
place you went to: blockbuster
movie you saw: Valley of the Dolls
movie you rented: Detroit Rock City, Cry Baby, Dawn of the Dead
concert you attended: ozzfest? im not sure which one was last

Who was the last person you..
hugged: my dad
cried over: myself
kissed: my dad
danced with: Megan?
shared a secret with: probably Megan
had a sleepover with: Aimee
called: my momma
went to a movie with: Bobby
saw: Megan
were angry with: myself
couldn't take your eyes off of: Jude Law
obsessed over: Eminem

Have you ever..
danced in the rain: with myself yes
kissed someone: yea
done drugs: not drugs plural one drug yes
drank alcohol: yes
slept around: depends on what that means exactly
partied 'til the sun came up: yes
had a movie marathon: all the time
gone too far on a dare: a drunken dare probably
spun until you were immensely dizzy: ew yes
taken a survey quite like this before: sure

There are some songs that really get to u... for some reason the song Broken with Amy Lee really gets to me and I hate her so idk what it is
and My December could make me drop everything and just be totally in touch with myself and totally calm if only for a few minutes

8 MILE REPRESENT!

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 00:21:36 GMT

Well we got our house, it's at 8 and dequindre its like two houses off of dequindre and 8 mile is my backyard. I cant find a job. I got a boost mobile phone lets hope that works. ANyone got any old furniture cuz we need it lol.\

Um Im gonna make a cd now so idk

Its been so long since ive had feelings for someone and i cant talk about it. I wish......

Even tho Bobby is being great right now... he lives too far away and stuff
Im so stressed out

I've been thinking too much.

Tue, 09 Nov 2004 04:37:15 GMT

But I guess that's what happens when ur stuck in the house allll day every day. Well I work three days a week but that's not enuff. I want to get another job but Im not sure when I'm moving in with my mom and I dont want to get a job just so I can leave it in a week. But I do hate mine and need 2 of em.
No one wants to hang out with me ever, no one wants to drive me anywhere, I cant even take a walk because Im always so fucking cold and soooooo fucking tired for no reason. I slept so much today, and it's not even the kind of sleeping that feels good. It's like I go to sleep at 4am and wake up at 1pm. that should be enuff but I cant keep my fuckin peepers open.

This is in my aim profile but in case anyone missed it... I won $2500 for college cuz I had high MEAP scores. ANd Im gonna brag cuz being smart cant be taken away from me :)
I was hoping that once I move by Aimee we could go to adult ed. togetherBut thats not lookin so good .... not gonna happen she just wants to hang out with Erica so she can get high all the time, I told u it causes problems but oh well Ill make new friends when I get back into school and get a new job

But dont get all pissy and mad at me, I dont talk behind people's backs and when I said that I meant it, Im gonna tell u what I think straight up and thats how I feel.

I will be a famous forensic psychologist and u can all say that u knew me :)

I also want a boyfriend, a real one. He told me today that I should be with Tyrell and he should be with Natalie. I always thought that was true but I dont think that transaction would go over to smoothly lol. And although I never really think about it Tyrell IS 23 its only 5 years right.

I just miss the way things used to be, when I felt I was cared about in that way. It felt nice. I dont NEED a boyfriend but having this toxic relationship on my shoulders cant be to good for the self esteem, having someone tell me im a dumb, lying, useless loser all the time isnt the good feeling I was looking for.

I made new icons .
cool.

and this new found obssession with Tupac cant be healthy. I feel like a poser listening to him cuz everyone likes him just cuz everyone else does but its really deep stuff and great music.

AND I'm not sure If I have mentioned this, but my mom got a job at my work. She is a waitress, I am a busser. She asked the other busser what he thought of me (no one knows we are related yet) and he said I was slow. They all say that meanwhile, Im workin my ass off and I heard my boss say one day that he wishes they had the guy I replaced back. Also good for my self esteem eh? Tremo is my first day workin with mom, always have a job with family first with Megan at Subway then my aunt Cindy at Rite Aid (AShli's mom) and now mine lol.

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 04:53:37 GMT

You are 53% Sketchy

How sketchy are you?

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 04:47:46 GMT

So I went out last night, with the old crew Me,Meg, Eric, Nat, Chris, and Tyrell. It was fun I guess. We went to some bar downtown and like noooooo one was there. But I danced with Tyrell all night while his so called girlfriend was hittin on other guys. Tyrell was sayin some weird shit to me , he always fights with her then talks to me about it and Im like damnnnn if she wasnt my friend, he's so good to her, I wish I had that and then he goes and says that stuff to me *temptations*

But they are just like me N Bob, neverending fights and a pointless relationship. HE thinks I am selfish cuz I am saving for a car so I cant buy him a $150 cell phone for his birthday. Sorrrrrrrry I want to get a car. Cars are my life hellllllllo.

ANyway work sucks so much. I have a crush on Lee but he's probably too old for me and he has a son lol. BUt they all treat me like im a freakin imbecile. Today Lee was like "Do you tie ur shoes in the morning?" (cuz he saw that bitch Marsha helping me do something I was totally capable of doing on my own.) So Im like "NO, Marsha comes over to help me do that" it was funny..... maybe u had to be there

LIke when the guy hit on me last weekend at the party and he was wearin a shirt that said Wanna and then had a picture of a screw. Megan thought it was hilarious

Old guys kept hitting on me at work today....."That's what we need, something young and tender." Ew. oh well at least they make the day interesting.

I miss Chelsea and Sarah u guys should call me tremo 2485454452 lol.please.

Carolyn, if u see this, I was watching a video of my 14th bday party and u were on it...... the good old days. :)

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 04:56:50 GMT

I Voted... Did You?

I'm going to cry. I can't wait for the next four years to pass.
My first time voting and I get jipped. :(

Boom I fucked ur boyfriend, Boom I fucked ur man!

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 04:30:11 GMT

Thats for that stupid slut I saw today, yea I fucked ur husband but he liked it and ur jealous cuz he doesnt want ur STD encrusted ass anymore.

ANywho I went to two halloweenie parties yesterday sooo much fun with Megan and Eric. Eric had the best costume ever, he was a dork and he had this tweedle-dumb hat that kept spinning in the breeze (the second party was at a bonfire/in a barn)
Ok so hot guys everywhere, I got hit on so much and I dont even know why. But the one I really wanted the reallllllly hott one , only talked to me a lil bit. But the other two were alllll up on my shit. And the drunk ass mutha fucka, he was funny as hell,cept he thought I was Megan all night he thought we were like twins lol.

Today I carved my pumpkin with a stencil of a silly face. Dressed up and passed out candy, and went and saw this really awesome house thats like in the paper every year, its cool. I got chased by a clown, fuckin scary shit.

I had the worst day ever at work :( But I got $27 in tips soooooo Its allllll good.

SVU is on, gotta bounce

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 03:44:27 GMT

Ok, I am pissed. Not really but I spent my whole night at home cuz she was with HER again even tho we were supposed to chill, but she had the best night of her life, so Im not gonna ruin that with my whining.

So,Last night, Bobby picked me up (cuz he got his car back and his dad actually let him drive it) We went to the movies then back to Bobby's house and carved pumpkins and ate disgusting pumpkin seeds....

all while laughing and singing along to "Monster Mash"

and then I woke up....... cuz that was all a dream. Not an actual dream I had, but what I wish could happen. Sounds like something so little but all of that stuff would mean so much to me.

Its like when I call him he automatically turns on his "bitch mode" and I get yelled at or made to feel stupid (which anyone who knows me knows I cant stand that) for any little thing I do or don't do. I accidently just typed dong instead of dont and it was funny... I did it again that time.
Anyways why should I be made to feel inferior when Im the one bustin my ass at a minimum wage job so that I can get another piece of shit car that Im gonna break in 6 months?????

Im so done.

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 04:46:08 GMT

OH, I forgot to tell everyone:
Say goodbye to Rosita (my car) because Mother Waddles is coming to take her tremo and she will be officialy not mine : ( Its soooooo sad my fourth car died I'm gonna cry
Anyone want to help me find my fifth? Noooooooo not liquor my fifth car
I know it's so soon but I gotta move on literally

Cut myself on angel's hair and baby's breath

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 03:37:41 GMT

Ok, they told us they would let us know if we could get the house on Monday ... It is now basically Friday

even tho I'm not religious, Please pray for my mother, I don't want her going from shelter to shelter If u love me, this would make me soooooooo happy and I know that's all everyone wants. It would be a huge load off my shoulders. thank you.

Anyways, there is nothing worse than feeling unwanted. I know I am loved, liked, cared about, but am I wanted? I'm not wanted at Aimee's all I do is screw their family up and cause drama. Im not wanted here for whatever reason and even if I am wanted, it sure doesn't feel like it. My boyfriend doesn't want me, I know Chelsea wants to see me, but she can't cuz her grandma doesn't want me to, my job doesn't really need me,no job is gonna want a drop-out, I don't have any friends to want me.All these people and no one could pick me up from Aimee's so her dad had to rush around to get me out of there so they could have family time and I used to think of myself as kind of part of their family in a way but I fucked that up too, like everything else cuz they cant have me and Erica in a fuckin house together. ANd worst of all if my mom DOES start her own life, I'm terrified she won't want me either.

I know everyone would say noooooo that's not right but even if it isn't it sucks that I feel like that.

I'm tryin to hang out with people. I miss my friends so much ... Court, Katie, Ang, Jacky, Carolyn and I actually had a dream about Erin and I reallllly wanna talk to her

But everytime I try to hang out with someone I get all nervous and I don tknow why. So if anyone is reading this and u have ever thought o she is just blowing me off... it's not ur fault I'm just a huge anxiety-stricken wimp. Another thing is when I dont have a car I HATE askin ppl to hang out and then "OH, by the way, u gotta come get me" it's embarrasing and I feel pushy. I know none of these ppl would ever mind getting me but I still hate it....

But I'm gonna try harder I promise but please do not be mad or hurt if I bail :(

All that I want...

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 02:58:27 GMT

I just want to see Bobby for once. Maybe not even him. I want my fucking prince charming to come find me already. I want the Bobby I was with at first, before I did anything to him, before he had a chance to forgive me for what I did. I want to be with someone that loves me all day. To hold me, and make me feel better. But I can't have that cuz I keep messin it up. Or, other people mess it up to try and make their lives better. Stupid fucking people like Jon Now that that fucker is out of my life, I will tell the truth, yes, I thought he liked me. I thought I could see him all the time and he would love me and the whole world was fuckin made of candy. I was naive and wish more than anything I never met him because that experience did not make me stronger, it made me stupid and blind.
I want to know what I want. Sounds weird but I mean it. I know what my mom wants, I know what Bobby wants, what my family wants. But what do I want? What is going to finally make ME happy? Ive been thinking about it all day. I have no real feelings of my own, I want to be my own person but Ive gone 18 years being someone else, whoever you want me to be, whoever Im with at that moment wants me to be or even doesnt want me to be just to spite them

THis is what I get for sitting around in the house all day... But what am I supposed to do? Everyone is gone... living their lives...........

I've been told I'm dumb and that I make the wrong decisions too many times in the last few months

I have ten million voices in my head, all are mine, but they still drive me insane

I want to let them out and kill them

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 05:12:51 GMT

p.s. My dad's truck got stolen .... and just about everything I own was in the back of it from when I moved out

my jewelry
alllllll of my clothes and some of my shoes
my makeup
alllllll my clothes still
any pair of pants i had that fit me and everything i wear

and worst of all..... my movies :(

Im gonna get money tho to buy new stuff but its sad

WOW

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 03:31:13 GMT

the cable company.

Aimee Grober's sister ERICA GROBER is a stupid hoebag slut cumguzzling piece of shit that can't feed her own kids and sells her foodstamps to buy weed.

and I am a stupid, dirty, drunk IDIOT

god I feel so fuckin dirty

Now listen to me, while you're kissin her cheek
and smearin her lipstick, I slipped this in her drink
Now all you gotta do is nibble on this little bitch's earlobe..
(Yo! This girl's only fifteen years old
You shouldn't take advantage of her, that's not fair)
Yo, look at her bush.. does it got hair? (Uh huh!)
Fuck this bitch right here on the spot bare
Til she passes out and she forgot how she got there
(Man, ain't you ever seen that one movie _Kids_?)
No, but I seen the porno with SunDoobiest!
(Shit, you wanna get hauled off to jail?)
Man fuck that, hit that shit raw dawg and bail..

anywhoz'll

new job... Im a busGIRL at O'Mara's yea it sucks but oh well

no car still

I love Bobby with all my heart muahhhhhhh!!

I can't sleep

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 04:47:25 GMT

I just called some chick in Cali cuz I thought Bobby was like idk what with her.
Anyway I guess he wont admit to her that im his gf. Thats coo. he doesnt have to worry about that anymore . I did everything I thought I could for him. I was just so scared to lose him but now Im kinda glad that I did.

Anywho my school counselor (Mr. Dykner) said I can go to OCC next fall even without my diploma and thats where I was gonna go anyway so thats good. IM still gonna get my GED tho just in case. and just to have it.

IM gonna get a pretty much full time job, save for a car, get my car, help my mom get the house , then maybe my FAMILY and I can finally live together again.

Im tryin to be as strong as everyone says I am but I dont believe them anymore.... I think im the weakest person that ever live

Everyone felt so bad for me when I was 'homeless' but I feel so much worse now

like......... I wanna die. Dont worry I couldnt do that to everyone else but I just sometimes wish no one cared abotu me so that I could do it.

Oh well, I live for u so love me dearly lol

I need some grass, weed, pot, ganja, help anyone? no money but um I have boobs.

oh yea I talked to Jimmy today that was cool.

and um if u know any cool cats lemme know cuz I am single and looking
yes already

I am now the true definition of a bum.

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 18:15:38 GMT

Well, as anyone who read Aimee's journal also may see, I am back at "home". I was set up. They used my sister's 21st birthday party to set it up to make sure I got back here somehow last night. I know it's right for me blah blah blah but I have NEVER felt so betrayed in my life. Aimee's dad helped me a lot and I know he cares butI cannot help to despise him as of right now. He lied to me and made me think he cared about what I thought, not what THEY thought. Well, I hope everyone else is happy now, so that I can see to it that my great attitude and all of that happiness I once had went somewhere and wasn't just wasted. My stepmom even said to me today "Although you may not want to be, I'm glad ur back" So they know I dont wanna be here and that just makes me feel worse. Also, Aimee's dad yelled at my mom yesterday and told her that I didnt wanna help her I just didnt wanna hurt her feelings, all of that was a lie and I havent talked toher since so Idk if she will talk to me. My dad called me a selfish bitch that with a no good nigger piece of shit and thats what I get to go home to. And for Bobby......... he kept sayin "just bite ur tongue and go back home" then when I call and say Im home he says... "why so they can tell u how stupid u are and make u feel like shit" So if everyone knoes thats how I feel.......why doesnt anyone care? No one wants me to b happy.... they want me to be rich. Money does not buy happiness. I cant sit in this house "having everything" while my mother is in a shelter working for less than minimum wage at a shitty job, just to get by. I dont care how stupid u think I am...... all I want is to be with her. I may be unhealthy and messed up for that but I am the mother, she is my child. I dont want my child in a shelter and I cannot apologize for that.

Through all this, I just wanna be alone,and play Zelda.

But I also have no car no cuz it died on me. NO job still, no car, no happiness, no school, no friends, no love, hmmmmmmmm Im here but I still have nothing ..... nothing that is important to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aimee .. I dont know when I will be able to talk to u cuz i cant talk to ur dad for a while until I cool down about this whole thing. But thank you for everything.......

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 18:24:48 GMT

I was just gonna write this as a comment to Chelseas journal but I guess I want other ppl to see it too:

What hurts me the most is everyone thinking Im "doing bad" and "going down the wrong path" THat really does hurt because u dont believe in me. If u know me at all, u know that I will succeed. I will be everything you thought I would be if I were in school. I am still funny, I am still beautiful inside and out, I am still smart, considerate, caring, kind, loving, and I AM STILL STRONG I will get thru this like I got thru those years before..... the four worst years of my life. From ages 14 until now I was so lost and hopeless, now I have goals and dreams and I am off my meds, but feel better than I have ever felt before. So please let me be happy, I think I deserve it.

I dont want to hurt anyone. I love you so much. Dont feel bad bcuz I am happy, no need to worry

thank you